so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
