She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
