I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
