Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I touched a dick in church today
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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