When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
