Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
