Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
