I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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