A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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