I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
