I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
