the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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