Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
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