I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
