do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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