Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
