is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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