Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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