I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i just google imaged poop.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
