I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
