I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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