this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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