I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
