they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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