U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
