I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
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I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
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Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I wear drunk well.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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