Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
