woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i will never coherently bang her
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
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