I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
