Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
