i wish starbucks made bloody marys
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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