Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
