Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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