yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today