i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"