I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
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I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
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I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in