I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!