Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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