Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
