I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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