I accidentally had phone sex last night
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
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