my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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