i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
