In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
