i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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