I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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