Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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