dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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