I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
