Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
