my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
