I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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