Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
