How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
