I faked an abortion last night.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
