come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
