This is not my ceiling
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
