That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We left the knife in your bed.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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