Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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