I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
